Dr. Rosalyn | On The Subject of Black Woman Tiredness
I probably could have come up with a better title but that's not the point of this post. Several things have transpired recently that made me reflect on my own level of exhaustion that ebbs and flows. Theoretically, I should be good. I have a good job, with steady income, single, no kids, and an education that allows me to switch gears when and if I need to do so. In reality, that just makes me a different kind of tired.
My job doesn't make me punch a time clock to get paid but there are a million moving pieces to take care of to make sure that things are going along smoothly. Classes ended a few weeks ago but I spent parts of this week tending to different responsibilities and then the better part of a day making sure that everything was in the files of graduate students to make sure we could track them easily. Some stuff is missing so I had to reach out to them about that. One of my extra jobs hipped me to the fact that I was not getting compensated for work I do in the summer and had to ask for it. No one fought me on it so that was great but no one thought about it either so it's one of those cases of knowing what you don't know and what happens if you don't.
Single and no kids means no one is taking funds that are in limited supply for extraneous things but it also means no secondary income to buffer expenses. It means no one else is cooking or available to run errands with the dependent I do have: mom. Kids can be a whole lot but they move away at some point. I love my mother but caregiver life is no joke as there's usually no backup option to you and even when there is they (person in need of care) usually just want that to be you because they are comfortable with you.
Education is beautiful and I loved every degree I obtained but being educated can be a double edged sword--at least for me. Flexibility is great but there is no environment I can go in where someone isn't questioning some level of my intelligence or abilities because of my skin tone. Or being confused with another black woman. Or being mistaken for a student. Or having someone reach out to touch your hair without permission in a setting where you cannot snap because you have to maintain some level of composure. For real that happens more than you think. Man just ask I may say yes but when your hands move before I can process the words you are problematic.
I spoke to someone recently about an issue that is directly adjacent to my tiredness. They commented that they understood that I was likely tired of having to fight for everything which is why I was in my head space. That's an accurate statement. I think my brain was really working through the fact that not only am I tired of having to fight, I don't really feel like I should have to fight for things. I've allegedly done the things that should make me part of the American dream. When they need a success story, mine would be among the first ones chosen. However, that doesn't protect me from all the things (minimizing skill set, ignoring ideas, microaggressions, snide comments from coworkers they don't think I hear, not being told how to play a game that I haven't been invited to but have to navigate through or be deemed a failure, etc.) that lead to tiredness.
Perhaps though the biggest issue is if I speak to this exhaustion with most people they will "yes but" or "you should just" me to death. If I did snap in response to the slights then I'm not being collegial regardless of what precipitated the snap. That doesn't mean I cannot speak my mind it just means it has to be moderated heavily so as it not hurt someone's feelings with the truth. You may be wondering what provoked this missive. It's lots of things. Finding out that there was video of Sandra Bland's traffic stop that they have sat on for the last few years following her death and flimsy prosecution of the officer who stopped her. Hearing about a college so dysfunctional that until two students saw it play out they were not handling things on any level. Reading a dismissive piece about Afro Caribbean students not pursuing higher education in one location because there is no one there to do their hair. That may seem minor. Anyone can do your hair right? Turns out really not so much if your hair is heavily textured. I finally cut my relaxed hair off because I couldn't reliably find anyone her locally that could process it or flat iron it even with my explaining what needed to be done. And finally waking up to see that a WOC who bills herself as a minority writer went out of her way to have a Black woman fired for, and I cannot make this up, eating on the bus in her work uniform. She smugly posted a photo of the woman to the woman's employer and replied with her route and travel time before she realized the rest of the universe was not on her side. One at least partially cancelled book deal later and her social media profile is locked down and she deleted the original post--but not before potentially getting a woman fired.
I'm not likely to get fired for eating in my office but some thing have happened recently that if I had done I probably would be searching for a new job soon. And that compounds the normal tired that I feel as a Black woman daily. Knowing outright there are things I cannot even attempt to do because it jeopardizes my ability to take care of the things and people that I need to take care of on a regular basis. I've slept a lot a few days in between spurts of being helpful. I'd rather just not be this tired though--ever again--but that is unlikely at best a thing to happen so naps are a good thing and I will get on planning a vacation soon.
My job doesn't make me punch a time clock to get paid but there are a million moving pieces to take care of to make sure that things are going along smoothly. Classes ended a few weeks ago but I spent parts of this week tending to different responsibilities and then the better part of a day making sure that everything was in the files of graduate students to make sure we could track them easily. Some stuff is missing so I had to reach out to them about that. One of my extra jobs hipped me to the fact that I was not getting compensated for work I do in the summer and had to ask for it. No one fought me on it so that was great but no one thought about it either so it's one of those cases of knowing what you don't know and what happens if you don't.
Single and no kids means no one is taking funds that are in limited supply for extraneous things but it also means no secondary income to buffer expenses. It means no one else is cooking or available to run errands with the dependent I do have: mom. Kids can be a whole lot but they move away at some point. I love my mother but caregiver life is no joke as there's usually no backup option to you and even when there is they (person in need of care) usually just want that to be you because they are comfortable with you.
Education is beautiful and I loved every degree I obtained but being educated can be a double edged sword--at least for me. Flexibility is great but there is no environment I can go in where someone isn't questioning some level of my intelligence or abilities because of my skin tone. Or being confused with another black woman. Or being mistaken for a student. Or having someone reach out to touch your hair without permission in a setting where you cannot snap because you have to maintain some level of composure. For real that happens more than you think. Man just ask I may say yes but when your hands move before I can process the words you are problematic.
I spoke to someone recently about an issue that is directly adjacent to my tiredness. They commented that they understood that I was likely tired of having to fight for everything which is why I was in my head space. That's an accurate statement. I think my brain was really working through the fact that not only am I tired of having to fight, I don't really feel like I should have to fight for things. I've allegedly done the things that should make me part of the American dream. When they need a success story, mine would be among the first ones chosen. However, that doesn't protect me from all the things (minimizing skill set, ignoring ideas, microaggressions, snide comments from coworkers they don't think I hear, not being told how to play a game that I haven't been invited to but have to navigate through or be deemed a failure, etc.) that lead to tiredness.
Perhaps though the biggest issue is if I speak to this exhaustion with most people they will "yes but" or "you should just" me to death. If I did snap in response to the slights then I'm not being collegial regardless of what precipitated the snap. That doesn't mean I cannot speak my mind it just means it has to be moderated heavily so as it not hurt someone's feelings with the truth. You may be wondering what provoked this missive. It's lots of things. Finding out that there was video of Sandra Bland's traffic stop that they have sat on for the last few years following her death and flimsy prosecution of the officer who stopped her. Hearing about a college so dysfunctional that until two students saw it play out they were not handling things on any level. Reading a dismissive piece about Afro Caribbean students not pursuing higher education in one location because there is no one there to do their hair. That may seem minor. Anyone can do your hair right? Turns out really not so much if your hair is heavily textured. I finally cut my relaxed hair off because I couldn't reliably find anyone her locally that could process it or flat iron it even with my explaining what needed to be done. And finally waking up to see that a WOC who bills herself as a minority writer went out of her way to have a Black woman fired for, and I cannot make this up, eating on the bus in her work uniform. She smugly posted a photo of the woman to the woman's employer and replied with her route and travel time before she realized the rest of the universe was not on her side. One at least partially cancelled book deal later and her social media profile is locked down and she deleted the original post--but not before potentially getting a woman fired.
I'm not likely to get fired for eating in my office but some thing have happened recently that if I had done I probably would be searching for a new job soon. And that compounds the normal tired that I feel as a Black woman daily. Knowing outright there are things I cannot even attempt to do because it jeopardizes my ability to take care of the things and people that I need to take care of on a regular basis. I've slept a lot a few days in between spurts of being helpful. I'd rather just not be this tired though--ever again--but that is unlikely at best a thing to happen so naps are a good thing and I will get on planning a vacation soon.
Comments
Post a Comment