Dr. Rosalyn | The (Black girl) Struggle is Real

 

I've had a day to process what actually happened with Breonna Taylor's lack of justice.  I have seen more than enough people justify the outcome with misinformation or just supporting the difficult job that the police do.  Believe me I know they work hard but what I continue to struggle with is how much difficulty they have in not killing unarmed people, especially Black people, in the course of their job.  They managed to take in heavily armed and known to be dangerous suspects all the time with maybe some bruising but unarmed folks who they may not know a thing about end up dead.  I have more trouble with that fact that if one of us did any of the things police have done to these unarmed people we'd be arrested almost immediately, tried, convicted and tucked away in jail for quite some time.  Why are the unarmed people so much scarier than the ones with the assault rifles that may or my not have killed someone?  And if certain officers are so terrified of the job then why do they get to stay on the job?  I wouldn't continue to employ a terrified counselor because they would make bad decisions and create problems.  That's true in any public interacting job.  I just don't get it.  

So I said I had a day to process the watered down indictment, and I have, but as I told a friend earlier I was pretty sure nothing of any consequence was going to happen after the Attorney General had protestors waiting for his decision arrested.  That was reinforced when the same AG was stumping for our current president both in Kentucky and at the RNC.  I wish they had just said there were no charges instead of barricading downtown Louisville and declaring a state of emergency because all they did was confirm there would be no justice for a young woman, a paramedic, sister, daughter, significant other, who was killed in her sleep looking for someone that had never lived at that address.  They proceeded to slander her memory, after denying anything had really happened for several months, and accuse of her selling drugs.  They offered her ex-boyfriend a plea deal if he just said she was involved in his criminal activity.  They charged her boyfriend with attempted murder for defending himself against men breaking into his home because like most people who are asleep in the middle of the night he did not hear the alleged statement from police that they were outside the door and busting inside.  After all the subterfuge and denial, they added salt to the wound when one of the officers called her killing the ethical and moral thing to do that night without ever mentioning her name and repeatedly calling her a thug and a criminal.  So what happened yesterday was no surprise really and it feels intentional.

It's not enough to say her death didn't matter.  The ridiculous charges that were levied are blatantly saying the safety of her neighbors and the damage to their property was more significant and consequential than the bullets that tore through her body and ended her life.  In short, Black woman your life is less valuable to the legal system than a building.  And as an aside, look up the case of Justine Diamond before we just say the legal system will never go after cops for something like this.  For those of you who are not Black women you cannot fully understand what that moment was like.  It's not that we don't understand how little people value us in this world unless we are performing some service for them.  It's not even that so many people will remain silent about it because it doesn't directly impact them.  I can't even say that it's because there will be no justice served here because legitimately I wasn't expecting that there would be any justice for Breonna.  I think the biggest issue is that even knowing all of that and knowing that I'm one terrified officer's bad day away from being Breonna and still having to get up and be functional.  I still have to teach my classes, grade assignments, work for to provide my students with opportunities and slightly worry about my job because someone from on high is on the side of people who don't want to have to learn about the rest of the planet because it makes them feel bad.

Over the last few months, I have watched friends and colleagues closely.  Some of you have stepped up when I wasn't expecting it and really needed that support.  I appreciate the emails, phone calls, inbox messages, likes and shares when I post these super long diatribes.  Others of you have been outraged but it doesn't feel like you've fully bought into the struggle.  It makes you upset to see these things, that's good as it should make you upset, but you don't know what to do to move forward beyond the distress.  I have watched industries and athletes come together to demand justice for Breonna, Ahmaud and a host of others.  Heck there have even been marches in town with our socially engaged students and community which legitimately warmed my heart even when someone decided to run their car through one of the marches (someone in the law enforcement community by the way).  And still others, have been eerily silent.  I say eerily because I've watched you post about kids, vacations, work, the gym, and share recipes but not a peep on social unrest, the protests, heck some of you haven't said anything about COVID.  And I know not everyone shares their thoughts online but that eerily quiet crew hasn't even privately said hey how are you, can we chat for a minute because I don't know how to help and I want to, I know I've been distracted but I feel you're hurting can we talk.  The worst part about that crew is those are some of the people that I've know the longest so I'm not sure what to make of it.  I'm direct because dancing around topics is just not my style.  If you've made it on my friends list you know that already.  So yeah I'm trying to figure those folks out and why I'm having to wonder where they stand.  That's not to call them out per se but to just process things for myself.

I am exhausted so I won't be trying to sort them out.  I know I'm exhausted because I forgot about a whole meeting today after I stopped teaching.  If we were not chest high into the pandemic, I would have called a few friends to meet up and grab a drink and sigh deeply together as Black women.  People always want us to save the world but do literally almost nothing to make sure we are in fighting shape.  They tap us out and then wonder why we are snappy or just withdraw.  My Black lady time used to let me recharge.  The shared moment of conversation that required literally no dialogue is something that you cannot entirely replicate over a screen.  That may sound like I only like to spend time with Black women and I would say not only Black women but right now I need them and they need me.  We replenish each other and some of us are struggling right now because again the world just told us it was okay to use us up and spit us out with no consequences.  That is draining and demoralizing but also par for the course which is even worse in the grand scheme of things.

This is already long enough so I won't start the other thought I've been having right now.  If you were at the webinar then you know where I'm headed and if you were not well you missed out, we were great.