Dr. Rosalyn | Reflections Brought on by Others' Reflections

 

So I've been mulling over some things the last few days and came to a realization this morning. Most of the people I know, so I will make a researcher's mistake and assume that means most people as well, are generally and genuinely nice people. We care about people but we care about them differently. We appreciate things about this country and the world but we still experience both of those things differently. And we take in and process information about the things we care about and the things we see differently. 

If you've "always" been "relatively safe" in this country, it's hard to hear other people complain about it. Like if they aren't happy here they should just go home seems reasonable except the people complaining can't pack up and go home easily usually. I can't tell you for certain my family is from Sierra Leone or The Central African Republic because detailed records were not kept on the origins of slaves after they got to the United States. For better or worse, I was born and raised here and if this country is okay with me discontent that makes me sad at best and angry at worst. Doesn't mean I don't love the country it just means I want it to love on me differently than it ever has. 

Some of us really care about kids but we seem to care about different points in their evolution. Voting for a party that "protects" the lives of children makes entirely good sense if that lines up with your religious background. The problem that I have is that life extends past conception and birth so if we aren't supporting food, housing, education, training, and a myriad of other things that nourish children then we haven't protected anything but delivery. I know that we like to learn about each other but that usually means we have to learn about ourselves along the way and that education can sometimes be painful. Instead of being resistant to classes or training sessions that teach us about each other honestly can we be prepared to hurt together. We embrace no pain no gain when we want to get in shape. Learning how to treat each other well is no different. We can agree that we pay too much in taxes but eliminating them entirely means some of our most in need citizens will eventually be left in the cold because those taxes fund those programs. 

I read something today, two things really, that prompted this message. The first was confirmation that this administration would like to end the payroll tax if it is reelected. To be sure that would increase your take home which is great. However, if you aren't in a job with a 401K and you are able to redirect that money into it then your safety net--social security--will definitely not be available to you when hit retirement because it will be gone in the next few years. If the elderly have family that can support them it will be a hit to the income but they will be okay. For those in nursing homes fully funded by social security they will be homeless and hungry. For those who don't have support they may be homeless and hungry as well. 

The second was research conducted by a White Christian man that unfortunately revealed that White Christians in this country help reinforce White supremacy and racism in the country. That does not mean that each individual White Christian is a raving racist or are White supremacists. It just meant that 20 years worth of research shows they are less tolerant than those who are not religious and that is even after they controlled for each off shoot of religious identification and those who were Christian in name only. My initial thought was "water is wet" but then it made me think of what has happened with religion in this country in particular. I have heard repeatedly that the United States is a Christian country but that's not how it was founded--they just wanted to get away from England and not pay taxes. Religious freedom is how we ended up here--well how the White residents got here. The things we embrace now as patriotic and embedded in the fabric of the country we added relatively recently--like under God in the Pledge of Allegiance--but even that doesn't say the Christian God and there are a lot of Gods out there folks. Yes some Christians were totally on board with eliminating chattel slavery in the US. Some of them took a while to get there though and even then they didn't quite see African Americans as their equals in so many ways that we have literally had to legislate our way to citizenship. Moving on.

My father was good for quips that he didn't know would resonate later. He became more religious the last 20 years of his life and when I was expressing frustration with the church we were attending with him he told me something that others have said as well. "The problem most people have with Christianity is that people are less Christlike than they are believers. A lot of things being doing in the name of God would likely disturb him and you have to sort out who is behaving like Christ and who is believing whatever they are told." That was disappointing at 19 but it's playing out in front of me at not 19. It has been one of my struggles with organized religion most of my adult life because Christ in the Bible seemed like he'd probably be good with most of us and the ones that didn't make the cut still had a chance at redemption. Now we have things like RFRA that says I as a therapist can turn down your request for help if I disagree with your life on some level which to be clear is completely against our ethics code. I may not want to work with you but if I cannot provide you a reasonable, affordable and equally accessible alternative then you're mine until I can.

We are splitting hairs on how to be better people. We want things to improve but we can't get out of each other's way to get there. After Chadwick Boseman died, I saw so many people upset and distressed about how "our king" was gone and what he meant to the world. What has struck me about everyone that knew him and what they have shared was he took the time he had to make things better for himself and everyone around him. He did it with much more grace than I could ever pull off. My filter slips fast and hard when I get tired or frustrated but with people who genuinely want to learn and understand I try to do and be better. I don't always succeed but for those folks, especially one on one, I do my best to be giving and gracious and patient. I think I will need to do that more as we head into this election because I know that people are holding on to things tightly and do not see the world from my perspective. That just triggered another memory. I watch and remember way too many things. But near the end of the movie Dogma, which hurt peoples' brains because there was a 13th Apostle and God was Alanis Morrisette along with there being a Buddy Jesus--seriously just watch the movie it's great, Rufus (the aforementioned Apostle) essentially says that the problem with religion isn't the message but that people built belief systems around it and it's so much harder to change someone's belief once they have it ingrained. This is where we fall apart in understanding each other. 

If you believe that athletes should just play sports like they and avoid politics then I probably cannot break down to you in any way that matters that they are also members of marginalized communities and when they are not in uniform are subject to the same kinds of discrimination. For those that don't remember, shortly after Lebron made the decision to go to LA his home was spray painted with racial slurs. An NFL player was tackled by the police and held because he allegedly fit the description of a suspect even though he literally looked nothing like the suspect and was only released when they realized who he actually was. Or the fact that Megan and the rest of the US women's CHAMPIONSHIP team were being paid a fraction of the salary of their male counterparts who let's just face it kind of suck. That's one example but my point is this is why fake or heavily biased news is embraced so readily. It supports our already established beliefs. 

I didn't think the last few years in this country could happen. That we could get this fractured ever because I will admit to being naive about the power in knowledge. I will also admit that I am afraid of where we can end up if we cannot move away from performative niceness and tolerance into actual acceptance and support of others who don't value what we value. If you want to talk to me privately about some area of difference let me know. You can email me or contact me on messenger if you like but I'd rather speak with you openly than hope any random tidbit I drop to you gets through. I've done it before and have had some rich conversations. I only ask that if we talk that you are as willing to hear what I can share as I am with you. We can do better, at least I believe that we can.