Dr. Rosalyn | I Still Can't Breathe Deeply

 I have spent the last month avoiding the blow by blow of the Derek Chauvin trial.  Not because I didn't care of course but I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to listen to them pick apart George Floyd's life.  There are very few things in life a person can do that would justify their slow public execution at the hands of a quasi governmental official.  Nothing George Floyd had ever done would qualify.  But I knew it would come and it would be amplified by groups that hide their racism under the guise of being pro police.  I have watched snippets over the last few days in which a judge didn't seem to be hiding his contempt for outside comments which literally have nothing to do with the trial.  And then out of no where on a blissful Sunday afternoon, we hear about the shooting of Daunte Wright because an almost thirty year veteran of the police force (Kim Potter) suddenly confused her gun with her taser.  I can't get my head together before the next messed up thing happens.  I had to forego my media blackout to watch the verdict and I will say before the judge began the actual verdict outcome I was terrified that we would just be repeating an awful cycle.

I felt a weight on my chest that may have crushed me had the verdict gone the way it has so many times before.  That's not to say that officers have not been convicted before because they have but it was and tends to be too infrequent in situations like this.  In recent memory, in addition to this case, I can only think of the murder of Botham Jean (Amber Guyger) in his home by a "tired" police officer who thought a random Black man was in her apartment in his underwear eating ice cream and Justine Diamond who was shot when she "scared" a police officer (Mohamed Noor).  One of the last videoed shootings in Tulsa resulted in no conviction and the officer went on a speaking tour and became a trainer.  Terence Crutcher didn't do enough of something for Betty Jo Shelby and it cost him his life.  Breonna Taylor's murderer will only face trial for property damage because of a ridiculous AG.  Atatiana Jefferson's murderer (Aaron Dean) resigned from his job but as of yet has not been tried.  I know murder trials can take a while but the optics are always bad when it takes a long time to try an officer.  

I will say this again before anyone implores me about the good police officers.  You are right there are many more good honest and upstanding officers than they are not.  However, we know there are bad police among them.  We know there are white supremacist gangs within officer ranks.  We know that some folks just don't have the temperament to be in that job.  I couldn't be a K12 teacher because yeah parents.  No need for me to force my way into that job just because on paper I'm qualified.  I also don't sit in the exit rows unless I'm in the mood to save the folks around me because I know that's not my sweet spot.  As long as the folks like me, are allowed to stay in the wrong job they make actual policing so much more difficult.  I have had officers that I like tell me I shouldn't be nervous during a traffic stop because it makes officers nervous.  I accept that logically.  Psychologically and emotionally I can't get there.  I've been Black in America much too long to assume what should be a simple interaction won't end up much much worse than it would for nearly anyone else.  In the decades that I've been in a position to interact with the police, my good interactions are at my "low" points but otherwise it's some good luck and protective prayers that have allowed me to be alive to have this caught breath moment.  

I hope that the people that loved George Floyd got a bit of peace today.  It won't replace the trauma of losing their loved one.  It won't end the collective trauma Black and brown bodies are struggling with even as we release the breath we were holding.  We need to hug each other tonight.  Check on each other tonight.  Take one brief evening off from the perpetual struggle to actually be seen and heard when there is no video of our lives being pulled away from us against our will.  Tomorrow we may be ready but if not it's okay.  When we're ready, the fight will resume again.