An Annual Tradition Marches On

I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks.  Today is one of those milestone moments in your life that divides things between what happened before and what happened after in a most profound way.  Today is the anniversary of my father's death.  He died three months before I began my doctoral program and I realize how many things would have been different had he not.  My dad was ill for almost a year but it wasn't anything that made sense and it wasn't anything they could ultimately fix.  He died a week after my master's graduation.  It was the last important moment in my life that he was around for and he was also in the hospital.  I went to pick him up and take him home in my cap and gown because he wasn't strong enough to sit through the ceremony.  Within a few days he was back in the hospital after ushering my brother off on a long planned vacation.  My brother made it home the day before our father passed away.  My dad had resigned himself to not being okay on this side of the veil even though neither of us had.  When he was gone, we went home and sat in a place that felt like he could walk in at any moment and understanding logically that he never would again.  There would be no dad at any more graduations, weddings, births, holidays and lazy days at home doing nothing.  I would not need to buy a two story five bedroom house so my parents could both move in with me and not run into each other unless they wanted to do that.  I would not have to worry about him despising my future spouse or spoiling any future kids.  But I also wouldn't have pursued the degree if he had lived.  I couldn't defer my admission and I wasn't going to leave my superhero at home without someone to dust off his cape.  I wouldn't have left Texas.  I wouldn't have stalked Prince.  I wouldn't have fallen back in love with traveling.  My life would be decidedly different than it is right now and on today, I really think it would be worth the tradeoff to have one more good daddy hug.  I need to have this moments of slowing down though.  If I don't, I can continue rushing from one thing to the next and not processing where I am now and where I might have been otherwise.  

I dreamed about him a few night ago.  He was driving an older blue SUV with my brother and I in the car and for some reason mom was there too.  The driver in front of us stopped short and dad hit him.  I woke up as we were pulling over to look at the minimal damage and I smiled.  Not sure if he was conveying a message or if my brain just needed to see him again but our conversation in the car was very on trend with my dad.  I've lived almost half my life without him but I am super glad that I can still remember him and his voice and feel the impact he left us with in the short time we had him.  I still have more things to do so that I can properly live up to the Davis kid legacy.  And while I miss his hugs and support, I hope that I've been able to share that out with other folks in his absence.  The universe hasn't asked much of me today and I appreciate that.  I've been too tired to do a whole lot of heavy thinking.  Hug your dads for me.  Dads, hug your daughters for me.